Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
