Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
time to smoke my breakfast
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
