he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
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