Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
