Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
