I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
