Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
