Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
