The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
