physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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