I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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