Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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