Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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