Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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