Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
ugly people sure do ruin things
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
