One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Randomize
