The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
