I wish I could punch you in the face.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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