Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Randomize
