I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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