Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
