So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize