girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize