I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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