maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
