the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
