Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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