My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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