just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Your penis caused this!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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