We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
