You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
