trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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