the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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