I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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