Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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