I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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