I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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