I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
