there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
