I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
