You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
