i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
birth control should be required to get into college
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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