Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
