When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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