we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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