There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Is it because I queefed?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
