ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
