I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
