new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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