trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
