Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
