I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He better not be in your backpack
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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