If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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