my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
