I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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