is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
