Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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