Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
