If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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