i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
How naked do you want me to be?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
