Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
